Complicated Family

Every family is dysfunctional to a certain degree and they have their own story. Even after 35 years, I'm still learning something new about my family members. I realize more and more that a lot of things have been kept from me due to my age and maturity of handling certain content. I'm grateful that my parents were aware of this and have been good about bringing things up in a timely manner, but there are times when I really wished that they had shared some information earlier. I know that's just me being greedy though. 

Last weekend, I took my dad out to finish off some errands that were postponed the week before. Some of the conversations that I usually have with my dad during these times of commute consists of random/playful banters, sharing of past memories, thoughts/concerns for future, etc. A lot of times they're not that serious, but it's a great way to just catch up with him in general and see where his thoughts are in his life now. I would say this particular car ride with him was one of the more memorable ones for me. 

We were talking about family and I always had burning questions in regards to my grandma and aunt. Although I lived with my grandma for 20+ years before she passed, I never really had a time where I got to sit down and hear about her life and her upbringing. I didn't really have the best relationship with her growing up either because I was really rebellious (teenage years) and had resentment in the way she treated me differently compared to our other cousins. Anyways, I've always heard from my dad and cousin that she really had a hard life in Korea and in the States. I could only imagine how life was like raising 6 kids as a widow since her teens - very difficult to say the least! In regards to my aunt, I always had bazillion questions I wanted to ask because I heard of her adoption. I always thought to myself that she didn't look like the rest of the family. I personally suspected that she had a minor case of albinism because she had very fair skin and had golden/blonde hair as a child. Growing up, whenever my dad mentioned her to me, he would always mention that she was very special and was "liked" or "looked upon favorably" by many people. Even to this day, I can't really tell if he meant that in a way to describe her appearance or if she was endearing to all people. I would like to think it was a little bit of both. Either way, I was really curious about their lives and as a starting point, I asked my dad my first burning question: Do you know how grandma felt in regards to giving up her first daughter for adoption?

This whole time, I had imagined that my grandma was wrecked about giving her up for adoption. I couldn't imagine any mother willingly give up their child without any remorse. Also, due to the fact that they both made effort in getting to know each other even after years of spending time apart, it has led me to think that they were making mends to the times lost at the very least. I'm sure there were some truth to this, but I will never know since both are no longer with us. Anyway, since I had established these thoughts on my own, I was shocked when my dad's response was that my grandma was the one willing to give her up for adoption! I couldn't wrap my head as to why she felt or thought that way, so I had to ask him why. 

He shared that grandma was previously married to a well-off tailor in the village/community, but because of the abuse she faced from her in-laws and the husband (probably both verbal and physical), she had no choice but to "run away" from them. She ended up "escaping" (not exactly sure if this also involved divorce) and got married to my biological grandfather. She didn't realize until after she got married that she was pregnant with a child from the previous husband. My grandfather was aware of this, and was more than willing to raise my aunt up as his own. My dad described how my grandfather had genuine love for her - as his own beloved daughter. He said it showed in the way he spent time with her daily and the way he talked to her. However, my grandma had guilt towards my grandfather because he was taking care of another man's child. She had guilt and shame whenever she saw my aunt. So when the opportunity came for her to give her daughter up for adoption, my grandma had no problem because she was looking out for her current husband in her own way. My dad shared that my grandfather really fought and strived to keep her in their household as his own daughter. Unfortunately, he lost the battle with my grandma and had to abide with her decision. My dad recalls how my grandfather wept bitterly the day she left. 

There were other details that my dad disclosed in that car ride, but I'll keep that for another day. But upon hearing all of this, it has left me with different reflections. When I think about my grandma, besides the fact that she was married twice, it all made sense as to why she was the way she was. Even though we didn't have the most ideal grandma/granddaughter relationship, I always admired her strong and resilient personality. If I put it in a negative way, she was really stubborn, but I think just by hearing more details of her life, she was a woman who's life was marked by resilience. In regards to my grandfather, I never got to see him or talk to him because he passed away when my dad was 3 years old. I grew up hearing that my grandfather passed away because he got bitten by a dog that had rabies and he decided not to get treated even though he had the funds to go to the hospital. With that in mind, I always thought of him as a very selfish and irresponsible man towards his wife and family. To be honest, I think there's still some degree of that when I think about his passing, but with this new information in light, I'm able to see a fuller picture of him. He definitely wasn't perfect, but hearing that he was more than willing to love and take care of a girl who's not even his own blood is respectable. Considering the time and culture, it would have been very shameful to the family if your current wife bore a child from another man. But despite all of this, he demonstrated good character through his genuine love and care for my aunt. 

With all of this in mind, I trailed off into reflecting about my own adoption into God's kingdom through Christ. Thinking about my grandma's guilt towards my grandfather due to the baggage she brought from her previous marriage, made me reflect upon my own guilt and shame because of my sinful lifestyle before knowing Christ. For my grandma, she wanted that guilt to be gone by casting her own daughter out. As for me, I was casted out of God's holy and good presence because of my deeply embedded sins. When I think about the sorrow that my grandfather faced when he had to give up my aunt for adoption, it also made me reflect on the sorrow that God the Father must have felt when Son of God had to be handed over to death - person of Trinity. It also even made me reflect on the sorrow that Christ had to face in that moment at the cross. Unlike the ending that my grandfather had to face (being separated from my aunt the rest of his life with sorrow), I'm so very grateful that God was able to fulfill what he had said he'll do through Christ's atonement - restoration! What my grandfather failed to do because of his limitation, God was and is able to do with me and anyone who place their faith in Christ and bring the person back into his fold! How very interesting it is to me that through perceiving imperfections and limitations in human life, it always leads me to more aware and in awe of God's perfection and His almighty power and works - perfectly demonstrated through Christ's life, death, and resurrection! 

I see my grandmother's stubbornness in me and I also see my grandfather's heart of adoption in me as well. But above these things, I really hope and pray that my life may be marked by godly character that reflects more of Christ, who is my Lord and Savior!